Truth be told

I used to be so totally honest on my blog because I thought no one paid any attention to it. It was like my other journal. I'd say the things I want to tell but scared to speak up. I'm a bit skeptical now,shy to be exact. I'm about to stop giving out my url because the blog reveals a side of me many rarely notice. So there is a certain joy in my life. The first half of this year was kind of rough and confusing for me. The last part however couldn't have been better. Something happened at camp. I met God but I also met people. So I have been discovering new things about God,myself and these people. There are many special ones but there is also a particular one. Yes it is a he. I cant describe him really. Even thinking about him right now has got my heart all up in knots and a smile playing at my lips. A special kind of person,I spent 8 days at camp and the only two times I wrote in my journal was about him.There is just something about him, I have been drawn to him straight from the start. I am not dreaming babies and weddings,no. It is just that,he inspires me alot.

The funny thing is there is nothing I find as endearing as his imperfections.I think about him A LOT.Of course I can't help but wonder if he thinks of me ever. I love being around him. I don't get butterflies or shortness of breath and amazingly at times around him I lose my words so I can be more quiet than usual. It is just a sweet feeling of contentment and appreciation for the person on the inside. Just because I know him a and get to talk to him every once in a while,my life feels so enriched. Does it make any sense? to me,most often not. There is a line in Brooke Fraser's "the thief", which says "you're breaking into my heart and I'm letting you". Some days I feel like that. So I smile and not ask why,I'm living in the moment and enjoying it, a lot!

Titles are hard to come by

Hello there, my dear lovelies. It has been a while since i last blogged. I've been kind of busy with exams and all but I'm just about done now. the latest going on.I'm looking for a job on radio, TV and magazine all at the same time. I think it's about time. i had an amazing weekend. I visited a couple of friends in another university who hosted me for the night, had actually gone for a party on Friday but the fun lasted all the way up to Saturday evening. I love you guys at UCU. I don't remember the last time I'd had that much easy fun in the company of friends, so much love going around. Thank you Jesus for the gift of friends. then I spent the rest of my weekend at home,spent the whole of Monday in my pj's watching chuck. I love that series.

 Life is beautiful. The Lord is surely doing so much in my life. He is giving me the desires of my heart, enlarging my territories and keeping me excited. These days, every new day is exciting! New opportunities to be a blessing to another. Living one day at a time but still in anticipation of the future. I spent some time talking to my mom about my plans and dreams, my heart was overwhelmed upon realisation of how much support i have from the home front, thank you Lord. The dreams are so many and one may wonder if all are possible, but we are all in agreement that they are possible.

I have wasted enough of my life just dreaming. its now time for action, somehow i know now is the time. I thank God so much for the boldness and encouragement He gives me unceasingly every single day, He is surely my best friend.For many years, I was timid and never tried out anything but by the grace of God, I am now boldly stepping up to the table He has prepared for me, a feast indeed. I trust Him, because I know He loves me. By the way,very soon I'll be giving you news about my new jobs,keep believing with me. There is so much I'd love to share but I also want to keep the blog short. I love you.

Today

I know where I am going. There may seem to be many options on my plate but I know which is my portion. that is the beauty of slowing down. Did I ever tell you about my passion for media? Just you watch the space, I even dream about these things. Have I ever told you I love music? Have I ever told you you need to meet me in order to fully understand me. I am tired. I want to be taken on a date, where I'll have personal time discovering another and being discovered. Mutual shock and wonder. I want to get all dressed up and beam with satisfaction as I see appreciation on the face of another even as words may not come. I want to take pictures and laugh over inside jokes. I want to eat ice cream and look at some one from across a table. I want to have a feeling in my heart that my head can't explain, secret smiles....I want to messasge back and forth. I want the anxiety at the though of running into some one. I want to feel special. This is how I get when I'm tired.

In recent news

Gadaffi killed in the worst way possible, policemen leave dr.Kizza Besigye's compound, UTODA takes KCCA to court and ministers fox us when it comes to oil debate....in other more important news! hi friends!!! The amazing many of you who actually read my blog. I am supposed to be doing research on my final year project but I've been sidetracked to blog. A lot has been happening in my life lately. I really thank God for this week because it is only Wednesday and I've already learnt a lot.

Monday might have been my best I had gone to bed sad, discouraged and almost depressed. I was in bed by 9:30pm, now that's early for me, but the Lord soothed me to sleep and when I awoke, He spoke to me truth that just gave my heart wings. He spoke to me of rest. teaching me how to work from rest versus resting from work. He spoke to me about faith and trust. As the day continued, he went ahead to put his words into actions as I stepped out to do things and saw his divine favour upon me. Later on in the night, I had a date with him, amazing. and that was just Monday. He continues to speak to me of rest,joy and peace. Today I read proverbs 16 and it blew me away. I make my plans but at the end of the day God is sovereign, He causes things to work out, and to my good at that! He's on my side, YEY! today, He shows me His love through people. to know that I am that loved! mind blowing and humbling at the same time. oh how He loves me! reminds me of a hymn. "it's so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word, just to lean upon His promise, just to say thus sayeth the Lord...."

my mind

My journal has about two pages left yet my mind feels like it is exploding. This is a first for me,finishing the pages of a journal before the year ends. I have a lot on my mind, I have a lot in my heart. I think there are days I get tired from just thinking about what I have to do, constantly chasing deadlines, fighting hard to remind myself to live in the here and now. It is not easy when every tomorrow seems to have a lot waiting, a lot pending wondering why they all don't end today. Too much planning and no action frustrates me. I hate it when I lag behind but I also don't like it when someone else hinders my movement.

The mind is ever active with amazing ideas for things I'm passionate about but don't seem to have enough time at the moment to pursue. I have to be patient. The obligation is taking first place before the desired, seems to be the story of my life. but this too shall pass. I have heard many people say women are great multi-taskers, I am yet to see that quality in my life but I believe sometimes you need to handle one thing at a time for effectiveness. I am learning that it doesn't have to be a case of either or, that I can and actually am capable of doing more than two things at once which are even opposites. so Imma go to my room and encourage myself in the Lord. Surely He knows the desires of my heart and He alone sees the biggest picture. Once again I sing, keep my heart Lord, my ever dreaming heart and to this Lord I add, help me to put my mind in order. There's too much going on in there...

Higher heights

Just in case Papa san or his agents are reading, I so did not steal your album title. These are just words. It's just that life is super exciting these days. I seem to have discovered the more worthwhile side of everything.Yesterday, I was wondering about my life and realised I didn't really start living until 2009. That is when I started the journey of being true to myself thus the endless not missing of concerts even if it meant that I had to go alone. I am discovering better things. A better way to love, a better way to be loved, a better way to hurt even.

At some point I thought alcohol gave a really good high. I have discovered a high without mornings of throwing up and walking around as though half dead. Instead the after effects are, you appear more youthful, more energetic and excited about life. Yes, yes, you say you have heard time and time again but there is no high like love, the love of God. Everything seems brighter. Everything seems clearer and those that aren't, you don't care enough to notice. I have so much on my plate right now but I have learnt how to rest amidst the work. Doors are opening for me, I can see where I am going and it is superb! not anxious about narra! I have learnt when you stop pursuing all else and pursue God and set your mind on things which are above, the rest just come chasing you. Of course I'm a work in progress and I'm still learning but.....AMAZING. Not afraid to cry, not afraid to be real, not afraid to be seen, not afraid to smile, not afraid to be the background, not afraid period! because I am high 24/7. Oh how small everything looks from way up here...

SPEECHLESS

I don't think I have the words to fully describe how I'm feeling. Going for camp in Gulu is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. it is hard to comprehend the fullness of God, actually impossible. He constantly amazes me, how he honors and blesses us with His presence.

Dear Jesus, the plans you have for us are numerous and amazing! You are very personal and keep meeting each and everyone of us at our points of need. You spoke to me, healed me of a hurt I had pushed to the back of my mind instead of dealing with it. There was so much love, so much understanding. I met many new, amazing people. is it possible to form such a bond in one week that you feel like best friends? Yes, I miss my friends already, people I would like to get to know better, people I would love to share my life with, to open myself to and have them open themselves up to me. Indeed, better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere.

Life is just a great big rock show!!!

" life is just a great big rock show, I'm inviting you to come on let's go...." and so many other things are the words to the song that is at the start of one of the most awesomest but ugliest cartoons ever; Molly O! but is life really just a great big rock show or is it dependent on the genre of music you are into so life could just be one really smooth jazz festival or RnB concert.

I've just been googling a site that just brought tears to my eyes. I watched it on TV one morning many months back as I was ironing preparing to leave home. 99 days, a video diary of a baby who was born with a rare disease and he had about a 2 percent chance of survival.However his parents recorded every single day of his life,everyday they celebrated a birthday for him and the father made a video diary with all the pictures. What is so moving is the gratitude these parents had; they were thankful for the smallest of things and for every little thing that was about their son. They did not complain, cry scream and ask God why them, they were simply grateful for their gift in the form of baby Elliot whom they had to feed through tubes and they had to take turns sleeping because someone had to watch him all the time.

Elliot lived for 99 days and every one of those 99 days was celebrated. I'm 21 and 5 months come tomorrow. There are days, weeks months I have spent, wasted complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I lack nothing, physically; nothing is working against me when it comes to my health. One of the blogs I'm following is called "its a good day to be alive" this just shows you this person's view on life. It reminds me of a song by Nickelback, if today was your last day......how would you spend it? Would you panic, be fatalistic because of all the chances you never got, opportunities you  missed?

99 balloons/99 days.Everyday is worth celebrating as long as you are breathing but even when your time comes to stop breathing, it is a celebration because death is not an end in itself but a means to an end. If I'm running to the loving arms of Jesus, why not celebrate. My bible, which I haven't read in a really long time tells me that all things work together for good to those who love the Lord, to those who have been called according to His purpose. All things. Life is indeed a great big rock show if you decide to go in and watch the show, be part of it, scream with joy and cry with emotion at the realization of dreams. But if you decide to stay outside and complain that the music is too loud or the timing is not right or I'm so late I might as well not go...then life will just be the great big rock show you keep missing and burn with envy as others tell you about it and show you their keepsakes. I'm just saying....

Break!

 do you know how frustrating it is to spend to weeks being anxious for exams? everyone else seems to have done at least one or all of their papers and i haven't done any of my six. so I'm taking a break from the revision. it is so hard to take a guilt free break. you feel like you are wasting time or you at least ought to wait until you are so tired that your eyes can't help but close, but there is also that point whee your concentration has dropped so greatly....taking a break to blog. I'm trying to be a serious student, earnestly hunting down this 5.0 which i tattoo on my wrist every morning to remind me of my goal. OK i also have a not so secret obsession with tattoos especially on my wrist. 5.0,5.0,5.0,5.0,5.0,5.0,5.0.......that's all i need this sem. i know i can do it. the work is not little but it is interesting and often times doesn't really feel like I'm working until i run into an anxious on the verge of stress classmate who is sleeping in 2 hour intervals every night and sleep talks class work only to wake up for a discussion of same earlier mentioned class work. why is everyone so frantic? why can't they chill a bit, maybe then I'll feel a little less guilty. its not in my nature to panic or stress like that. i know all is well. i know I'm working for a definite end, GREAT SUCCESS!

Trying to blog on my phone once again. Ok,my mother's phone,wierd how my 50 sth year old mom has a cooler phone than 21 year old me! At home on a monday night,i should be at school being a serious student like everyone else. I feel a bit fired up,reading this book "think on these things,meditations for leaders" awesome! I've never read a better book and it couldn't have come at a much better time. I'm looking forward to so much...learning alot about my father, God and His plans for the world,trying to figure out where i fit in all this. Learning about handling disappointment...this book has a way of exciting me. I have a course work to do...see you some other time

Bucket list

So I have this amazing friend of mine who just has like a million things she wants to do. She writes them down and prayerfully pursues them.I guess I'm going to try and do the same. I haven't really started living my dream. I have a dream, I have dreams. I want to write books, i want to fall so helplessly in love, I want to sing in a choir. So here goes my list:

1. fall so deeply in love/ find my best friend

2.sing in a choir

3. write for a fashion magazine

4. appear in a magazine, cover would be awesome

5. appear on a billboard

6. learn about photography

7.design an outfit

8. host a radio/TV show

9. teach my younger siblings about God

10. live on my own

11. bungee jumping

12. surfing

13.write many many books

14. travel to Australia

15. meet Bebo Norman

i guess that is enough for now, i will dream up more later

Things You Can't Discuss

I have been thinking about this for quite sometime, certain things on my mind but can't really discuss them.
1. Are you the one?
This is kind of a tight paper. how do you tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you are not sure about them? The situation is made more difficult by the fact that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this person. There are good days and there are bad days but the bad days seem to outweigh the good ones. I feel like we are not making progress. Is it just me or do you feel it too? may be I need to spend more one on one time with you as in no friends around. This thing of sharing friends sucks. not to mention the pressure; I feel like I have to consider them in every decision I make. As if its not enough that I'm confused already as it is. Maybe I expected something else, I thought when I found you, the rest would pale in comparison, they would fade away. Every morning I make a choice to choose you, and every day I encounter a blast from the past. It is an uphill climb.

2.I miss being single
Never say this in the presence of your single friends. So even when you are feeling it, you can't share with anyone. The non-single friends are ecstatic about where they are so they won't understand. The truth is I feel trapped. I'm often feeling guilty. At times I feel like I'm still single. I have been thinking in one for so long, I have to learn how to think in two. Problem is I'm not sure I want to learn how to think in two. Its so on my mind that its starting to show on my face,what to tell people when they ask.

3.What happened to us?
I have been running into people I sort of fancied,OK really fancied but nothing ever happened with. I wonder what really happened, how come it wasn't you? fancee no 1, we are really good friends, understands me proper, we had our moments of confusion, moments of clarity not in so many words, kind of spoke in parables but we each got he point. progressed to continue being great friends, no tension. He has a girlfriend now, I have a boyfriend but sometimes I wonder how come "we" didn't happen. fancee no 2, I read my journal and I'm amazed at how strong the feeling was, jumps off the pages...wow. There was a definite non changeable reason why we couldn't be but wow...I think it would have been amazing. fancee no 3, was the bad boy we should all stay away from. I kept finding myself drawn to him yet my spirit told me he was a no go area. He never seems to make up his mind, I couldn't hold out for him forever. fancee no 4, we are friends, for a while there I had forgotten why I fancied him. then recently I started seeing him often and I remembered; but I prayed about him and I was told to let go and I did reluctantly because I treasure my  Lord but it was painful to let go because there is something in him that just lights me up, spiritually. fancee no 5, called me when he heard about our strike, had called me earlier on and a friend of mine said I was blushing on the phone...I didn't see myself but I think I was. He's amazing and there is something there but his time and my time seem separate, talked to him for over an hour effortlessly....letting go is not easy

4. I'm sorry
Is it normal? I feel like I'm being so unfair to my boyfriend feeling like this; not that I want to leave him for them but what I feel for them despite being with him makes me think he's not the one. Why me? why this? I just want to enjoy my relationship, I just want it to grow..but do I really? what kind of person am I? and he seems to be so in love, I want to ask him how? can't you see this? am I that good an actress? how do I deal with this?

On my phone

Now I'm not on my phone. the first time i tried blogging using the phone it didn't work out. i don't think i fully remember what the blog was about but let me try. first of all it wasn't my phone, it was my mother's and i was so bored so i figured, what the heck.Just thinking about life and the many things i seem to be passionate about. i love writing and one of these days my best seller i coming out. and since I'm also crazy about children, don't be shocked if its a children's book that comes out first. i love fashion, don't know yet what I'm going to do with that. when i was younger, at some point i wanted to be a model, turns out adolescence wasn't that kind to me, messed with my esteem not to mention my model look. I also wanted to be a designer, not anymore though but i think with a little help and experience i could pull off being a stylist. I love beauty and I'm crazy about pampering, looking into a spa, I'd like to own one. Can  you believe I'm studying to become a building economist/quantity surveyor? where do they all meet? not to mention my love for media so i would one day like to host a TV show, radio show and work for a magazine.A friend of mine believes i can write music, maybe one day, i might even start now. I can write the lyrics, not so good with the tunes though. I forgot to mention, i love decor, interior design is so intriguing. I have a new found interest in food, cooking is also an art. it is so rewarding to eat amazing food after you've put in all that effort. A skill is something developed, when will i do all this? Plus i love public relations so i would like to do PR for some firm or brand. HELP, big dreamer here!   let me go write a song

updates

 A new year is finally upon us. strange how I'm just saying that now, i should be thinking about valentine's day. anyway so for the update part of my life. i think i might have spoken too soon when i said i had a beautiful ending for 2010 because i fell sick two days later on New Year's eve. but here are the updates, in January, i celebrated(not really) more like had my 21st birthday, my sister's graduation and my brother's wedding. i have been dying to blog about those events but just you wait for the pictures. now they are all in the past....most recent though is new semester is here yey! I'm not that excited, nothing seems to excite me much these days, maybe its just a phase, someone please tell me its just a phase. i took a very big step and the wished i could take it all back then i was confused and totally unhappy, deliberated and...finally i made up my mind i was going to take back what i had said...then i saw him from across the road and my heart skipped, i couldn't stop smiling, what had i been thinking all along. finally i had my answer.i don't seem to have much to say today. been learning alot but still have to organize myself;f before i can tell or teach others, will keep you posted.