I have been thinking about this for quite sometime, certain things on my ind but can't really discuss them.
1. Are you the one?
This is kind of a tight paper. how do you tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you are not sure about them. the situation is made more difficult by the fact that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this person. There are good days and there are bad days but the bad days seem to outweigh the good ones. I feel like we are not making progress. Is it just me or do you feel it too? may be I need to spend more one on one time with you as in no friends around. This thing of sharing friends sucks. not to mention the pressure; I feel like I have to consider them in every decision I make. As if its not enough that I'm confused already as it is. Maybe I expected something else, I thought when I found you, the rest would pale in comparison, they would fade away. Every morning I make a choice to choose you, and every day I encounter a blast from the past. It is an uphill climb.
2.I miss being single
Never say this in the presence of your single friends. So even when you are feeling it, you can't share with anyone. The non-single friends are ecstatic about where they are so they won't understand. The truth is I feel trapped. I'm often feeling guilty. At times I feel like I'm still single. I have been thinking in one for so long, I have to learn how to think in two. Problem is I'm not sure I want to learn how to think in two. Its so on my mind that its starting to show on my face,what to tell people when they ask.
3.What happened to us?
I have been running into people I sort of fancied,OK really fancied but nothing ever happened with. I wonder what really happened, how come it wasn't you? fancee no 1, we are really good friends, understands me proper, we had our moments of confusion, moments of clarity not in so many words, kind of spoke in parables but we each got he point. progressed to continue being great friends, no tension. He has a girlfriend now, I have a boyfriend but sometimes I wonder how come "we" didn't happen. fancee no 2, I read my journal and I'm amazed at how strong the feeling was, jumps off the pages...wow. There was a definite non changeable reason why we couldn't be but wow...I think it would have been amazing. fancee no 3, was the bad boy we should all stay away from. I kept finding myself drawn to him yet my spirit told me he was a no go area. He never seems to make up his mind, I couldn't hold out for him forever. fancee no 4, we are friends, for a while there I had forgotten why I fancied him. then recently I started seeing him often and I remembered; but I prayed about him and I was told to let go and I did reluctantly because I treasure my Lord but it was painful to let go because there is something in him that just lights me up, spiritually. fancee no 5, called me when he heard about our strike, had called me earlier on and a friend of mine said I was blushing on the phone...I didn't see myself but I think I was. He's amazing and there is something there but his time and my time seem separate, talked to him for over an hour effortlessly....letting go is not easy
4. I'm sorry
Is it normal? I feel like I'm being so unfair to my boyfriend feeling like this; not that I want to leave him for them but what I feel for them despite being with him makes me think he's not the one. Why me? why this? I just want to enjoy my relationship, I just want it to grow..but do I really? what kind of person am I? and he seems to be so in love, I want to ask him how? can't you see this? am I that good an actress? how do I deal with this?
Monday, March 14, 2011
I have this dude friend of mine, so aloof likes acting like he doesn't care that much and yet he does. He is one of the sweet ones but he is a diamond in the rough, you have to at times really be patient or work extra hard before you get to the good staff. Some people find him irritating or frustrating but i don't really mind him, i guess because i didn't expect too much from him to start with. plus, I'm gifted, i seem to like people i have to draw out. so i guess I'm sort of one of his " different" friends; treat him different, try and understand him, don't pretend if i don't. All i can say is that it was God's doing but i some how earned his trust, don't know how. He confides in me, tells me certain things and I'm shocked since he rarely gets personal. anyway, i decided some time back that i would be his friend, a good friend, had been through some staff and every one was making him out to be the bad guy. I guess he needed someone to hear his side of the story. i too had judged him then i realised i didn't know that much. i chose not to pick sides, was just his listening ear, spoke only when i had to.Fast forward many months later, i think he is trying to tell me about some girl. I think he's trying to tell me that he likes her. He keeps bringing her up, or staff about her like asking me about her school.its amazing, she is so on his mind, i don't even know her and he talks about her like we both do. wow....he's hard and soft at the same time, kind like a paradox. I met this girl once and i noticed one thing, so sweet, soft spoken. I used to wonder about the kind of girl he'd fall for and i just realised how wrong we can all be. he likes er and he want to tell me...but doesn't know how....wow. I feel honoured to be that one friend who can be told the hard staff, the one people get real with. I'm honoured