Tuesday, December 18, 2012

23

 For a long time, I thought another birthday meant the beginning of the year that was represented on the cake if ever there was one. I once even argued about it when someone tried to tell me otherwise. Exactly a month from today will be my birthday. I will be concluding my 23rd year of existance, even though 23 is what will be written on the cake that I will demand for.


It has beena strange year this one. A year of beginnings and endings; of hard lessons and wisdom gained. So, look at me trying to sound profound at 22.9166666667 years old. This year is one definately worth celebrating. I managed to finish school, graduate and get a job all with in a space of about 4 months. I started this strange journey of finding myself as a writer. I never should have started it because after the frustration, angst, confusion and striving, I find that I was in the right place to begin with. My starting point is where I was supposed to stay.

I love poetry and words and all that staff. I wanted to write staff that moved people's blood the way theirs moves mine. I threw away my niche and said I was going to find it in the eyes of another. Recently I read an excerpt from, Letters to a young poet and this gentleman asked his correspondent
"ask yourself, why do you write?"
I have to go back and ask myself that. A good friend of mine told me to write for myself and I found it selfish, only because I didn't undersatnd it. I have to look within, fellowship with me and find out why I do the things that I do. Only then, will I communicate, only then will I be authentic. Only then, will I be true.

I will not pretend anymore. If I'm to take anything from 22/23. It is that. It is time to be real. I want a cake which looks exactly like that for my birthday.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Pictures of me, Pictures of you

Play time

serious discussion


it was a work day


I love his poetry



my name;


I'm not just a girl, I'm a flame. Watch me burn with the passion of life spreading love.




Thursday, December 6, 2012

Broken hearts and bad dreams

"..When you are sleeping with a broken heart,
the waking up is the hardest part..."

Said James Blunt in that voice of his that makes you buy whatever he's selling. Last night, I had a terrible dream. I think, when you are sleeping with a broken-breaking heart, the sleeping is the hardest part. Because then you are haunted with all those thoughts but only now they seem so real. I woke up and I was shaking, literally. I could not go back to sleep. I was breathing fast and had to calm myself down

These broken strings
Causing a bleed
to the very hands that are trying to fix them.
Tenderly,gradually,
They dig.
So deep, so firm.
Through muscle they cut.
Bones they want to slice.
Dare you to care?
Enticed by music out of tune;
Noise enchanting.
Cages your mind,your heart.
Your will slowly giving in.
Vision blurred.
Hues of confusion and uncertainty become your sight.
Split,divided,broken;
You've become.

This is a piece I wrote about 6 months ago. Guess what? I was not just having a great inspired moment, I was expressing my feelings. I was trying to get to know this person who was hurting. Refer to my earlier blog "Ambidextruos". It wasn't going well, he had wall after wall, each thicker than the last. Someone said I am a fixer. That is why I wanted to get close to this person, to fix. So one day, out of frustration, I thought to myself
"why would he let me in? He is right to be guarded like that. I mean, don't I want this just for selfish reasons? Just to get my fixer's fix?"
However, I was so worked up about it that I realised I needed help, I needed to get away. This wasn't working.

I went to bed with just a bit of sadness, just a bit. The kind that gets you to tweet hings like

"In a whisper I said, dear heart, forgive me. I should have protected you from yourself."

Just a bit, the kind that makes you get to bed early and say no to supper even when it's something you were looking forward to. The kind that comes from realising, you might be feeling a little too much; asking questions and guessing answers. Somehow giving yourself the worst case scenario so that you are prepared. But I wasn't prepared for this dream. It was worse than the worst scenario I had come up with. It felt so real. It was happening in my bedroom, in my bed. When I awoke, I wanted to jump out of that bed, it reminded me of too much. I was shaking. I still shudder a little at the thought of it. I closed my eyes and prayed.
"Dear Jesus, help me.." that's not what I said with my mouth but its what my heart was screaming. My mouth just let my spirit take charge. I know all is well,

When you are sleeping with a broken heart, the waking up is the best part because then you get to start again, to move on, to heal.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

He did what?

"Come here," he said as he tapped his chest motioning for her to come in for a hug. She smiled because he was smiling, there was nothing unusual about this. Everyone hugged everyone as they were parting ways.
She went home continuing with smiling faces and pleasntries assuring every one that she was fine; most didn't even notice that her countenance had changed.
"I am fine" she whispered to herself as she walked in the dark, " I have to be fine."
She didnot feel like talking tonight, she just wanted to go to bed so that this day would also come to an end. She just wanted to move on. He had said he would call, so she waited. She anticipated that it would be wierd; "he is goiing to ask me questions I will not want to answer and it will be strange" she thought. Before the thought was even fully formed in her mind, the phone rang and it was him. She picked, filled with a mixture of joy and just a tinge of dread, someone cared enough to do a follow up check but oh how she hated discussing her feelings.
 He started with a joke, making her feel at ease, then things became serious. He wasn't asking questions, he said he would talk and all she had to do was listen then afterwards they would pray together, he would pray for her. Straight from the very first sentence her heart started melting, how did he know what to say. She tried to be strong, fighting back tears, choosing to not be vulnerable before a man, it never ends well.
 He spoke and gave her heart voice, saying all those things she had been feeling but knowing no one would understand, no one would want to hear. The love in his voice nested her heart, drew her out and told her it was ok and never ever stopped pointing her to HIM,
"God loves you," He said over and over again. Finally, she gave in, she let the tears roll down her face, her voice breaking and sniffs could be heard over the phone.

That is when it happened, she heard him cry, saying his heart was breaking because he could feel the depth of her pain as if it was his own. He cried with her and to her that beat anything any one else could say. They have to top that! He prayed for her then encouraged her to pray as well, saying
"I just want you to know that I am here to pray with you and agree with you, to help carry your burden. you are not alone."
Tearful and unafraid, she let it all out to God even as her friend listened and held her hand through the phone, held her heart..
Going to bed after, her entire being was in awe of the man who cried because he felt her pain. That man who hugged her right before they left already seeing the pain she was trying to make little of. No, she was not falling, he had just held her hand and kept her from falling. She was appreciating, the man who shared her tears.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

THINGS

I get up to stare out the window, being a lover of the dramatic; it's raining. The wind is blowing the drops and thus they are falling in the diagonal. Why are you so downcast my soul, I remember the psalmist's words. Today I am picking a leaf from the many sad love songs and happily ever after movies I have watched; the ones that try to convince us that the things we do not neccessarily like in another maybe the reasons we even love them. I am not so sure about that but here are my things:
 I like the way you look at me when I am talking about myself, when I am telling you the serious staff. You listen and you take it all in. I like the fact that I can tell you just about anything and you will not make me feel wierd after.

I like that you do not pretend, that you say things as you mean them; in reference to that, I like it when you get vulnerable and see that you find it hard to say some things to me.
.I like it when you do things I thought you'd never ever ever do like saying things like
"I was just calling to say hi"

I like it when we are sitting next to each other and our hands find each other, at first timidly then confidently they stay.

I like the way you get me to say things that are hard for me to say drawing me out easily.

I hate the fact that regardless of how many times I try, I have not been able to get away from you.
I hate the fact that this thing seems to be progressing but I still can't qualify it with a name because I do not know what  is going on?
I hate it when you are so sad like right now and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate it when you hide your pain from me yet I can see it in your whole demeaner. I hate it when I think about you too much, when I start to dial your number and hang up.
I hate what my heart does when I hear your name or see you or smell you or...
I hate having to choose to walk away.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Symphony of blase

On the outside, I am seated at my work desk with my back straight, eyes glued to my computer screen, listening to music, working. On the inside, my head is rested upon this same desk, hiding my face from the world agonizing over the conversation I had last night. I am actually fighting hard to keep from using bad words every minute or so.


Why wasn't I given a rewind button upon birth? I want to take it all back; that 20 seconds of stupidity and incosideration. That moment when I said things that were better left unsaid. Now he's mad, really mad at me. He is mad at the world! Maybe this is my cue to leave. To let this be. It seems I care more than I thought I did; but even if I am to walk away, it should not be like this!

I am sorry about yesterday. Please  talk to me, talk to me so that I can say my last goodbye. I let you down and I want to make up for it yet I still don't have answers for you. I don't want to turn my back to you; let me walk backwards. Let me look at your face until distance is the only reason I can't. Please don't look away from me.



Friday, November 2, 2012

BROKEN VOICES OF THE REVOLUTION


Let it go on record that I was part of this! When people ask about that day that changed history, I want to tell them as I saw things happen where I was in the front seat, the stage and the background. I want them to point at me and say
"She was not afraid to be heard"

     
Let it go down as evidence. For when I am apprehended for shining as the light that I am, I will demand a conviction. With my own hand, I write that on this side of the line, I stand. With my own mouth, I dare to say
"You are on the wrong side!"
 
I put it in a language many wish was extinct but crave for it in secret; truth. With word I hope to clear scales and permeate hearts. Open your eyes and see; light. Open your ears and hear; sound. Open your hearts and receive; hope.
"Yes, it is a new dawn"



Thursday, October 18, 2012

That girl

There is a picture in my head; actually a video, a movie; it could even be a blockbuster. The stories are diverse and no one day is the same but one thing remains. It is the story of a girl. It is the story of a girl who met Delilah's brother, let's call him Delyon. He was the perfect seducer? I rarely here that word used refering to men so I'm not even sure what to call Delyon.

He was sweeter than honey when they had just met, sweeter than chocolate fudge cake. He said the right things in all the right proportions.

"How did he know to ask that?" She would often wonder.
She was also amazed at how freely and honestly she talked to him, revealing very private, very intimate details. I saw all this happening, It had happened to me before and I tried to tell her but she would not listen. I had to be tactical but there was no time to perfect my approach, Delyon was closing in,fast. Never tell a girl about a dude she fancies.

"You just don't understand." She openly told me. " There is something here. Something different. I have not felt like this in...since..you know who" she continued, referring to the ex boyfriend we were not allowed to discuss. How do you tell someone something they know about fully well. It was hard to argue with her. She had just had a rough year,her heart was a mess. That is exactly why I wanted her to stay away from him; he had had a tough life, everything was a mess. She wanted to be healed and held for life. He wanted to feel good for a while. He never hid it though, I guess he must have been human at some point. Still she stayed and hoped a while would feel so good he would want always.



It seems like such a cliche; and she is probably becoming a statistic but she gave him a place in her heart. At night she sits in the dark, alone with nature and communes with the stars. She thinks of him and even sighs his name. She howls at the darkness in anguish just so that so she has none left for him. He must never see how much he means, he must never know that she thinks of him in any way different from how he thinks of her. She fights hard to stop fighting the thought of him,she just wants to wake up and stop. Wake up and stop! Wake up and stop.

But thisis not a dream. She stares at him as he talks her through something she always swore against. "When and how did I become this girl?" she wonders,lying next to him, fingers interlocked at 3am in the morning.

Friday, September 21, 2012

What is a cold?



I look too good to stay here. It is a Friday and this weekend looks extremely promising. There is this festival of the arts running from today until Sunday, awesome; music, dance, poetry, film,awwww..all things nice. Somehow I can't get myself to decide whether my weekend should start today or tomorrow morning but hey even 1am is tomorrow morning. I feel a bit sleepy, had about 4 hours of sleep last night. My sinuses are a bit irritated so I'm sneezing, and feeling a bit lazy but I have been in doors the whole day, I cannot stay here any longer. I need to go somewhere and hang out with other people other than the ones on Facebook. I have been reading for most of the day, I did some writing last night which I thank God for because I was feeling so bored and uninspired. That is why I want to go out. I need inspiration!!! I have a friend offering me illegal drugs, I will not take him up on his offer however, I need to remain level headed. I haven't been to church in a while and I have made up my mind that I must be there this weekend. I am yet to buy my tickets for this amazing passion tour which is next week! So much to do yet part of me just wants to curl up in my bed tonight. However, I keep picturing myself staying and being bored out of my skull! So I have decided, since I am already dressed, that I am going out, even if it is just for a few hours; I need it. Anyway, who knows where I might end up. Cool things have been known to happen when one doesn't have clear plans, I'm expectant.

Friday, August 3, 2012

THERAPY

Considering the world we live in, we all need therapy. I am seeing someone about my current state of being. I know so many people who would be tres excited if the statement had ended at "I'm seeing someone" :). But anyway, I have had myself admitted. So far I have had about three sessions, I see my therapist everyday. We do this thing where everything goes quiet and it is just us two. The first session was pretty much just silence. I am new to this therapy thing. There was too much feeling on the inside of me and not enough words. The next session is when I was able to say something. I wonder if my therapist could make out what I was saying because I was just weeping uncontrollably. At first I was saying I didn't know why I was crying, why I felt the way I was feeling, I hate feeling and so on and so forth and He said nothing for some good time. So I was feeling inadequate, under-achiever like, attacked from all sides and scared. I was living life on the defensive,I was practically walking around with fists clenched ready to fight to protect me! Oh, how stressful!!! I am not used to taking care of me. I am totally spoilt by my Father. He tells me to give no thought to those things because He knows that I have need of them but rather to just delight myself in Him. Without realising it, I had tried to try and take care of myself again. I was living out of balance; out of joint. So He told me that He is more interested in me than in anything I could ever do for Him. He told me that even when I am to do for Him anything, He will enable me and He will make sure I do it well. He also reminded me of my awesome bib brother; the first born who is perfection himself by the way. We all look up to Him and it is He who made it possible for us to be this close to dad anyway. Anyway, He pointed out that in as much as he was a person who helped people alot and staff, He always had some alone time to just hang with Dad. I was told to stop trying so hard. I was thinking too much and also feeling too much. I usually have more than one session a day because they are FREE!!!! and I don't have to make appointments,anytime is okay. Being in therapy with your father is awesome; what's even more awesome is if your father is the Lord God Almighty. With a big brother like Jesus,ofcourse I am on my way to being fine, to being more than okay. to being WHOLE :)

Friday, July 27, 2012

Of words and feelings

Two days ago, I was called for an interview for a job I didn't even know about. A friend of mine knew someone who works for a recruitment agency and they happened to be looking for someone. My dear friend happened to know I had time on my hands and no money in my pocket,so why not? It has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life; a whirlwind of events no doubt but amazing still.

I was not academically qualified for the position but still had the skill set required to execute from the numerous things I'd done before in life. To hear from a group of total strangers that I am a very good candidate and that my resume was underselling me compared to what was before them sent my esteem soaring, okay dancing. These people didn't even know me and here they were offering me help to edit my resume so that I do myself justice! wow!!!! Of course not to mention that one of them had this amazing accent, words just seemed to roll off his tongue. So I have spent two days being told that I am very impressive and really good and people want to hire me so much they are almost inventing positions. This week has been awesome.

I happened to mention to a certain someone how I had been complimented that I had excellent communication skills and this person without consciously meaning to but subconsciously meaning to in no parables told me there was no way that was true. Hmmmm.....I had clearly stated that my best part about these interviews is they made me feel so good about myself because apparently people saw something in me that they greatly appreciated. This person didn't drop the subject,even on day two which is today, mentioning that excellent shouldn't be used to describe me.

I don't believe in working for everything; I believe in receiving what I've been given. I believe in the Grace of God. I believe in the favour of God which has me surrounded like a hedge. So what if I don't have formal working experience? So what if practically all the typing I know is self taught? So what if I am not the best at something? I will not nullify the grace of God upon my life just because the world says I ought to have worked for this.


 Anyway, I didn't get the job. I lacked experience and there was another candidate who didn't and they wanted someone who would hit the ground running. That is ok; the experience was amazing. The HR firm recommended me as their number one, that is not something I will forget. The client asked that my records be kept on file because there are few positions that might come up and they loved me. Even if they don't, they saw something in me that I did not go to school for. They saw something in me that obviously God showed them.Nothing can take that away.
I am an excellent communicator! :)

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Listening


I'm practicing sleeping in silence. Silence. No music, no TV, no conversations with myself or any other invisible people in the room. I'm practicing many things, things I didn't mind doing before I developed or discovered I had my own personality. I am trying to find my love for reading novels so that the next time I say I love reading, it's not a lie. Silence seems like a luxury these days, a lot of noise in and out of my soul,somethings/some evil one made his way into my soul and stirred up a bit of confusion.

You see, I don't know what you see but I know who I am. I know whose I am, and the one to whom I belong is so amazingly indescribable. My eyes had been tamed,taught that they are bound to be wrong or to have defects but to always rely on their counterparts,the spiritual eyes; word eyed vision. My ears too,told that there might be moments of being clogged with all the wrong things, but to listen to the still small voice of Truth. Then I saw, and word eyed vision said my emotions were being confused by what wasn't real. Andy Mineo calls it fool's gold. It isn't treasure, it is trash! My ears held on for what they thought they would one day hear. One of these days, this thing before me is going to turn out just right. If I give this frog the right kiss, he will turn into my Prince; but how many kisses will I give it before it is the right one? The voice of truth told me it wasn't my place to make that frog a prince,I knew it, I just didn't listen because I was running from one thing to another looking for a reason to justify staying where I knew I had to depart from. I had to leave Egypt's gold and its idols. Sure the scenery was cool but false all the same.

So,I'm practicing sleeping in silence. I have heard so much that I don't want to hear anymore. Things from the outside that do not agree with the nature of me,spirit. I stay still, I say nothing, I don't even bother to try and think of anything. Brain be quiet,World, shut up,my Spirit is listening to THE Spirit.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Mid-year crisis (Circles)

Recently I have been feeling funny, and not in the sense that when I think of myself or look at myself in the mirror I laugh but in the sense that I just wanted to give up on me. I have just realised that the mid-year months i.e May,June,July and sometimes August are usually the most profound months of my year, most years. Usually,I feel like I am coming close to either a nervous breakdown or I'm heading full speed towards a deep deep deeper than deep depression or ...numbness, lost. I keep on fighting because well,I believe I was created to enjoy my life. With every year comes new things that are usually super exciting Jan to March, then April sets in and....I have decided, seeing as I have noticed early this time to nip it in the bud. I was listening to Joyce Meyer the other day and she said we have to learn to resist the devil from the onset, wait or was it Andrew Wommack, doesn't matter, the point is bible says resist the devil and he shall flee from you. Ok maybe, I have faltered in ways I thought I could never falter in again, or this year's June July and August slightly resemble last year's. That is just what it seems like. The reality is I have grown, I have learnt staff, I have seen staff, I have been through tings in the past 12 months that definately make a difference. What beat me last year better get ready for some butt kicking this year. I refuse to give up on me! No, I'm not living in circles but rather I'm walking straight, it is a linear progression.

Friday, April 20, 2012

YOU


I dream about you only in the sweetest way
Any one can dream of another.
I want to walk away from you
Suspense is painful, yet confirmation is scary
I pray about you more than I even pray for you
I seek advice and try it but nothing seems to work
As if you are hidden deep within my heart
That even I, wanting to
Cannot remove you.
When I think I’m okay,
Just the thought of you has me writing poems.
When I think I’m okay,
Just mentioning your name has me all smiles
When I think I’m okay,
You walk in and I feel like I’m in a movie
Everything happens in slow motion
My heart leaps and so does my stomach
I smile and wonder for how long I can stare before I’m caught
I take mental pictures of you,
Not that many, for I fear to look straight at you,
Thinking my eyes might give me away
I have movie archives in my brain
Picture so clear, Hollywood would be threatened
That time when you told me your name
That time when we talked about God
That time when you teased me
That time when I teased you
That time when we just both smiled
That time when you asked for my help
That time when I will know for sure.



Monday, April 9, 2012

Home









Today is Easter Monday,the last day of one of the longest holidays in the year. The Easter holiday. It is about Jesus' death and resurrection,my very reason for living. In all honesty,I gave that very little attention this holiday. I wasn't consciously posting messages on face book about it but i think i was,subconsciously living it. I made up my mind before I left school that I was going to rest.
 I would not think about all the deadlines and the pending work and all the things that have apparently gone wrong or seem like they are about to go wrong. I rested and I thank God for it. You see separation from God among other things brings about restlessness. Jesus came that we might have life and have it to the full/more abundantly. I love being home. Ofcourse family is strange,it is a bitter sweet feeling,being around family. The warmth is so tangible but the subtle hurtful comments are also so pronounced. I chose to ignore the negative and focused on the positve i.e roadtrip to masaka on friday to see my granny.
The journey was more fun than the destination,no doubt. Eating roadside chicken has never stopped being fun,chama choma and spilling drinks on our shirts because we were too packed in the back seat and we had a baby on board. Saturday,spending some alone time with one of my sisters who has been away at work, doing girly things(read saloon time). Easter sunday was all about the food,which I am proud to say I enjoyed being part of the preparation team. So monday is here and I have to go back to the real world but I'm rested and ready for everything. God tells me all things work together for good,He also tell me to cast my cares upon Him,he also tells me that I am loved so I have nothing to fear.

Monday, April 2, 2012

....................

That is what it feels like on the inside. I can't seem to find the words to make sense of what my life has become. I say I am becoming miserable because I seem to desire that which is wrong for me while desiring to not desire it. Too much monotony, every song seems too much of the same thing, the same instruments, the same beats, singing or whining about the same thing. Frustration so deep within that I have lost my appetite, my will to live,surely there has got to be more.  I WANT TO BE MORE THAN OK!!!!! what happened Glo, what happened? I keep asking myself, waiting for Easter holiday, thinking maybe then, I will feel good about life. Aha! isn't that where i got it wrong? the feeling part....I have a friend who keeps saying,in whatever argument "no,it is what I know" life isn't about what you feel, see, think even but what do you know? Let me see, what do I know? John 1;12. I am a child of the most high God and he adores me. Yes he adores me,in whatever state I am in. I have just read a friend's blog where I was mentioned and she said me and another friend get great revelation of word because maybe we pray a lot and read our bibles a lot. False!!! I don't remember the last time I had a proper personal prayer or bible reading session. Now that is the true definition of grace. somehow the circumstances of life and the people around can without meaning to get you to step out of grace and into works. Sometimes you might be rested in grace,seriously chilling and enjoying receiving from God like you ought to and someone in not so many direct words makes you feel you are not doing enough. Of course you can never do enough, that is why I got saved. I recognised, nothing I could ever do would ever be enough. So, why am I letting a few bad days, or weeks, at times months, a fault here and a mistake there get me down. My worth is not in what I do. I am a child of God and guess what, He knows my weaknesses and loves me still. He knows more than any of you will ever know unless of course you become my husband, but He will still know more. He identifies with my weaknesses! like the psalmist says "..such knowledge is too high for me, I cannot contain it.." That is what I know and that's what I am standing on. The strong rock of the word of God even as the Spirit of God who is my tightee by the way, working on becoming bestos, bears witness with me on all these. deep sigh. Thank you father for reminding me.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Perfectly imperfect

 Mirror mirror on the wall, what do you have against me? Just having one of those days I guess. I look at the person staring back at me with artwork on her face and I sigh. I remember when at 11, tiny potrusions started appearing on my face. I didn't like them no doubt and mt bestfrien told me they didn't look bad "..they look cute.." were her words, yeah, not when they are on your face. The media and society is filled with ideas and advice on how to fight these little things that have plagued my face for years. The under lying message being, there is something wrong with your face, with you, this is how to fix it. Many a time, I have closed my eyes and tried to imagine what I'd look like without my friends. strange things are happening to me, I'm starting to not mind them, to like them even. There is a certain look I have,that they give me. Yesterday I was watching a video of myself. A webcam video and the one thing that stood out the most was my mouth! The sizo of that gap! Did someone knock out my front teeth. Growing up, that used to be an issue. I never smiled in the pictures because i just couldn't bear it, as if people didn't see it enough when I was talking. Last week I changed the cover photo for my facebook timeline. I put a beautiful picture of mostly my face,and a wide grin plastered across it. I sigh, i think I love that picture. I love every thing wrong about the girl in that picture. Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most beautifully imperfect of them all?

Time's windows


I recently was looking at an old picture of mine. A passport size photograph actually, taken at the beginning of 2009. I used that ID for over a year and the only thing i noticed about the picture is I looked angry, which I have come to discover is my normal look as long as I am not smiling. This time round, three years later, I saw something different. I was sort of taken aback. I couldn't recognise the girl in the picture. She looked broken and tired. The pain in her eyes is unmistakable and the look on her face....fighting to be strong, not knowing if she still knew how. My mind went on a little trip down memory lane not just to that day but to that time. I put my hand to my chest, rubbed it a bit,as if feeling for the scars on my heart, as if soothing the wounds, my mind had taken my heart with it to its trip. The memories felt so fresh as I looked at that girl. I wondered how I ever made it out alive, out of that pain. I am not that girl anymore but that picture creates knots in my chest. Looking at it is just like looking through a window to that point in time, three years ago.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Ambidextrous!

I surely hope that is the spelling of that word. Don't ask me what it means, look it up! But in my own opinion, I think it is a synonym for confusion, indecisiveness of the hands. I mean your hands should decide which one ought to be the boss, either the left or the right. You can not be a superb writer with both. The same way my hands should decide whether they are pushing this dude away or calling him closer. The very thing that is "wrong" with him is that one thing that is very attractive about him. He appeals to my dark side and makes it seem ok. Imperfection!!!! so enticing. Scars, so beautiful. I want to touch him where it hurts and I want him to tell me about his pain. NO!! I don't want to fix him, fixing him would ruin him. I want him to heal though but I want the scar to remain. I guess I understand Heidi's attraction to Seal, in as much as hers might have been physical. Mine isn't really physical, it's deeper than that.

I love the way he smiles. He has a smile for craziness when he just wants to lose control. He has a tender smile, as if encouraging another to come out of a shell. He has another just random smile when he is just amused. I haven't known him long but I have caught glimpses of him in the things that he writes. He is passionate! Passion jumps off the pages/screen depending on what I'm reading. By the way, he is a genious. I don't know if He knows it. I am saying only beautiful things, probably got you wondering why I want to run. I am not sure I want to run but I think I have to.


 A part of me thinks he wants me to run from him but my feet are stuck here, staring at his face,lost in his words, loving the way they are just rolling of his tongue and I want him closer!

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Life

Hi my name is Gloria and I am a writer. I haven't written as much or as well as I wish I would. I could blame it on the fact that i find myself involved in a lot lately. Sometimes I feel like I am losing myself; losing myself in the tiny details of day to day living. One day I'm up, the next, I'm down like never before.I have about five months left to finish school. You'd think that would be the most exciting moment of my life. I find myself worrying, anxious about the next few months; wondering if I will finish strong. I am constantly second guessing myself, an old habit that I must get rid of. Life is a war but you have to choose your battles wisely and you have to know which side you are fighting on. The strangest things have been happening to me. Both good and bad strange. Opportunities coming my way and Goliath's brothers or cousins showing their ugly heads. I am finding myself fighting battles that I thought I had won a long time ago. I guess, no,I know all this is because I don't spend as much time with the Lord as I ought in as much as I'm always at church. It's just that I feel like I do not know how to pray anymore. Dear Lord,I believe, your Grace is sufficient.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

What a week!

Dear blog, how are you this beautiful sunday evening? I am not doing much today and it is purely by choice. I have had a week full of graduation parties and meetings. Feeling a bit tired,i kind of need a break from it all. So yesterday I attended my last grad party. It was however hard to choose which one to go for because I had been invited to three. I had to choose between a party of an old friend who I had already seen earlier on in the week at another party and a Person I have recently become close to and the friendship is just growing. The latter had the possibility of a DJ,actually it wasn't just a possibility, it was confirmed. I almost lost sleep over it. So at the end of it all, I chose the latter but all so guiltily. The party rocked and it rocked hard! though i had to leave early becxause of a small thing called public transportation and curfew. So i was home at midnight, the latest i have ever entered that house when i'm on my own. Guess who opened for me, my mother! that's right and she welcomed me back, was even smiling...which had me thinking. I think i have just got an extension on my curfew. Well my birthday was during the week so I guess i'm all grown up now. All i need is a job and to finish school. Everything else is beautiful just. I need to go meet up with a friend and colleague;will get back to you. By the way, it is no secret i am a big fan of DJ Peruz. I know it seems random but i just had to say it.

Friday, January 13, 2012

2012 so far

So we are about 13 days,almost two weeks into the year. Not much is happening.Yet! I began my year on a good note. I spent my first week at  a camp facilitating 12-18 year olds. It was fun hardwork. Now that i am back, I don't really know what to do with myself. God has been so good to me. Indeed this is the year of the Lord's favour. So i have actually got a chance to work on radio. It is still voluntary and background staff but still.....I have got one foot in the door. I am sooooooooooo EXCITED!!!!!! GOD has a way of working in the background that i just don't get. He answers prayers in the most unexpected of ways. Now, all I am working on is the magazine thing, plus tv. I so excited i can't even write.