23

 For a long time, I thought another birthday meant the beginning of the year that was represented on the cake if ever there was one. I once even argued about it when someone tried to tell me otherwise. Exactly a month from today will be my birthday. I will be concluding my 23rd year of existance, even though 23 is what will be written on the cake that I will demand for.

It has beena strange year this one. A year of beginnings and endings; of hard lessons and wisdom gained. So, look at me trying to sound profound at 22.9166666667 years old. This year is one definately worth celebrating. I managed to finish school, graduate and get a job all with in a space of about 4 months. I started this strange journey of finding myself as a writer. I never should have started it because after the frustration, angst, confusion and striving, I find that I was in the right place to begin with. My starting point is where I was supposed to stay.

I love poetry and words and all that staff. I wanted to write staff that moved people's blood the way theirs moves mine. I threw away my niche and said I was going to find it in the eyes of another. Recently I read an excerpt from, Letters to a young poet and this gentleman asked his correspondent
"ask yourself, why do you write?"
I have to go back and ask myself that. A good friend of mine told me to write for myself and I found it selfish, only because I didn't undersatnd it. I have to look within, fellowship with me and find out why I do the things that I do. Only then, will I communicate, only then will I be authentic. Only then, will I be true.

I will not pretend anymore. If I'm to take anything from 22/23. It is that. It is time to be real. I want a cake which looks exactly like that for my birthday.

Pictures of me, Pictures of you

Play time

serious discussion

it was a work day

I love his poetry

my name;

I'm not just a girl, I'm a flame. Watch me burn with the passion of life spreading love.

He did what?

"Come here," he said as he tapped his chest motioning for her to come in for a hug. She smiled because he was smiling, there was nothing unusual about this. Everyone hugged everyone as they were parting ways.

She went home continuing with smiling faces and pleasntries assuring every one that she was fine; most didn't even notice that her countenance had changed.

"I am fine" she whispered to herself as she walked in the dark, " I have to be fine."

She did not feel like talking tonight, she just wanted to go to bed so that this day would also come to an end. She just wanted to move on. He had said he would call, so she waited. She anticipated that it would be wierd; "he is goiing to ask me questions I will not want to answer and it will be strange" she thought. Before the thought was even fully formed in her mind, the phone rang and it was him. She picked, filled with a mixture of joy and just a tinge of dread, someone cared enough to do a follow up check but oh how she hated discussing her feelings.

 He started with a joke, making her feel at ease, then things became serious. He wasn't asking questions, he said he would talk and all she had to do was listen then afterwards they would pray together, he would pray for her. Straight from the very first sentence her heart started melting, how did he know what to say. She tried to be strong, fighting back tears, choosing to not be vulnerable before a man, it never ends well.

 He spoke and gave her heart voice, saying all those things she had been feeling but knowing no one would understand, no one would want to hear. The love in his voice nested her heart, drew her out and told her it was ok and never ever stopped pointing her to HIM,
"God loves you," He said over and over again. Finally, she gave in, she let the tears roll down her face, her voice breaking and sniffs could be heard over the phone.

That is when it happened, she heard him cry, saying his heart was breaking because he could feel the depth of her pain as if it was his own. He cried with her and to her that beat anything any one else could say. They have to top that! He prayed for her then encouraged her to pray as well, saying
"I just want you to know that I am here to pray with you and agree with you, to help carry your burden. you are not alone."

Tearful and unafraid, she let it all out to God even as her friend listened and held her hand through the phone, held her heart...

Going to bed after, her entire being was in awe of the man who cried because he felt her pain. That man who hugged her right before they left already seeing the pain she was trying to make little of. No, she was not falling, he had just held her hand and kept her from falling. She was appreciating, the man who shared her tears.

BROKEN VOICES OF THE REVOLUTION

Let it go on record that I was part of this! When people ask about that day that changed history, I want to tell them as I saw things happen where I was in the front seat, the stage and the background. I want them to point at me and say
"She was not afraid to be heard"

     

Let it go down as evidence. For when I am apprehended for shining as the light that I am, I will demand a conviction. With my own hand, I write that on this side of the line, I stand. With my own mouth, I dare to say

"You are on the wrong side!"

 

I put it in a language many wish was extinct but crave for it in secret; truth. With word I hope to clear scales and permeate hearts. Open your eyes and see; light. Open your ears and hear; sound. Open your hearts and receive; hope.
"Yes, it is a new dawn"



THERAPY

Considering the world we live in, we all need therapy. I am seeing someone about my current state of being. I know so many people who would be tres excited if the statement had ended at "I'm seeing someone" :). But anyway, I have had myself admitted. So far I have had about three sessions, I see my therapist everyday. We do this thing where everything goes quiet and it is just us two. The first session was pretty much just silence. I am new to this therapy thing. There was too much feeling on the inside of me and not enough words.

The next session is when I was able to say something. I wonder if my therapist could make out what I was saying because I was just weeping uncontrollably. At first I was saying I didn't know why I was crying, why I felt the way I was feeling, I hate feeling and so on and so forth and He said nothing for some good time. So I was feeling inadequate, under-achiever like, attacked from all sides and scared. I was living life on the defensive,I was practically walking around with fists clenched ready to fight to protect me! Oh, how stressful!!!

I am not used to taking care of me. I am totally spoilt by my Father. He tells me to give no thought to those things because He knows that I have need of them but rather to just delight myself in Him. Without realising it, I had tried to try and take care of myself again. I was living out of balance; out of joint. So He told me that He is more interested in me than in anything I could ever do for Him. He told me that even when I am to do for Him anything, He will enable me and He will make sure I do it well. He also reminded me of my awesome big brother; the first born who is perfection himself by the way. We all look up to Him and it is He who made it possible for us to be this close to dad anyway.

Anyway, He pointed out that in as much as he was a person who helped people a lot and staff, He always had some alone time to just hang with Dad. I was told to stop trying so hard. I was thinking too much and also feeling too much. I usually have more than one session a day because they are FREE!!!! and I don't have to make appointments,anytime is okay. Being in therapy with your father is awesome; what's even more awesome is if your father is the Lord God Almighty. With a big brother like Jesus,of course I am on my way to being fine, to being more than okay. to being WHOLE :)

Listening

I'm practicing sleeping in silence. Silence. No music, no TV, no conversations with myself or any other invisible people in the room. I'm practicing many things, things I didn't mind doing before I developed or discovered I had my own personality. I am trying to find my love for reading novels so that the next time I say I love reading, it's not a lie. Silence seems like a luxury these days, a lot of noise in and out of my soul,somethings/some evil one made his way into my soul and stirred up a bit of confusion.

You see, I don't know what you see but I know who I am. I know whose I am, and the one to whom I belong is so amazingly indescribable. My eyes had been tamed,taught that they are bound to be wrong or to have defects but to always rely on their counterparts,the spiritual eyes; word eyed vision. My ears too,told that there might be moments of being clogged with all the wrong things, but to listen to the still small voice of Truth. Then I saw, and word eyed vision said my emotions were being confused by what wasn't real. Andy Mineo calls it fool's gold. It isn't treasure, it is trash! My ears held on for what they thought they would one day hear. One of these days, this thing before me is going to turn out just right. If I give this frog the right kiss, he will turn into my Prince; but how many kisses will I give it before it is the right one? The voice of truth told me it wasn't my place to make that frog a prince,I knew it, I just didn't listen because I was running from one thing to another looking for a reason to justify staying where I knew I had to depart from. I had to leave Egypt's gold and its idols. Sure the scenery was cool but false all the same.

So,I'm practicing sleeping in silence. I have heard so much that I don't want to hear anymore. Things from the outside that do not agree with the nature of me,spirit. I stay still, I say nothing, I don't even bother to try and think of anything. Brain be quiet,World, shut up,my Spirit is listening to THE Spirit.

Mid-year crisis (Circles)

Recently I have been feeling funny, and not in the sense that when I think of myself or look at myself in the mirror I laugh but in the sense that I just wanted to give up on me. I have just realised that the mid-year months i.e May,June,July and sometimes August are usually the most profound months of my year, most years. Usually,I feel like I am coming close to either a nervous breakdown or I'm heading full speed towards a deep deep deeper than deep depression or ...numbness, lost. I keep on fighting because well,I believe I was created to enjoy my life.

With every year comes new things that are usually super exciting Jan to March, then April sets in and....I have decided, seeing as I have noticed early this time to nip it in the bud. I was listening to Joyce Meyer the other day and she said we have to learn to resist the devil from the onset, wait or was it Andrew Wommack? doesn't matter, the point is bible says resist the devil and he shall flee from you. Ok maybe, I have faltered in ways I thought I could never falter in again, or this year's June July and August slightly resemble last year's. That is just what it seems like. The reality is I have grown, I have learnt stuff, I have seen stuff, I have been through things in the past 12 months that definitely make a difference. What beat me last year better get ready for some butt kicking this year. I refuse to give up on me! No, I'm not living in circles but rather I'm walking straight, it is a linear progression.

YOU

I dream about you only in the sweetest way

Any one can dream of another.

I want to walk away from you

Suspense is painful, yet confirmation is scary

I pray about you more than I even pray for you

I seek advice and try it but nothing seems to work

As if you are hidden deep within my heart

That even I, wanting to

Cannot remove you.

When I think I’m okay,

Just the thought of you has me writing poems.

When I think I’m okay,

Just mentioning your name has me all smiles

When I think I’m okay,

You walk in and I feel like I’m in a movie

Everything happens in slow motion

My heart leaps and so does my stomach

I smile and wonder for how long I can stare before I’m caught

I take mental pictures of you,

Not that many, for I fear to look straight at you,

Thinking my eyes might give me away

I have movie archives in my brain

Picture so clear, Hollywood would be threatened

That time when you told me your name

That time when we talked about God

That time when you teased me

That time when I teased you

That time when we just both smiled

That time when you asked for my help

That time when I will know for sure.

Home

Today is Easter Monday,the last day of one of the longest holidays in the year. The Easter holiday. It is about Jesus' death and resurrection,my very reason for living. In all honesty,I gave that very little attention this holiday. I wasn't consciously posting messages on face book about it but i think i was,subconsciously living it. I made up my mind before I left school that I was going to rest.
 I would not think about all the deadlines and the pending work and all the things that have apparently gone wrong or seem like they are about to go wrong. I rested and I thank God for it. You see separation from God among other things brings about restlessness. Jesus came that we might have life and have it to the full/more abundantly. I love being home. Ofcourse family is strange,it is a bitter sweet feeling,being around family. The warmth is so tangible but the subtle hurtful comments are also so pronounced. I chose to ignore the negative and focused on the positve i.e roadtrip to masaka on friday to see my granny.
The journey was more fun than the destination,no doubt. Eating roadside chicken has never stopped being fun,chama choma and spilling drinks on our shirts because we were too packed in the back seat and we had a baby on board. Saturday,spending some alone time with one of my sisters who has been away at work, doing girly things(read saloon time). Easter sunday was all about the food,which I am proud to say I enjoyed being part of the preparation team. So monday is here and I have to go back to the real world but I'm rested and ready for everything. God tells me all things work together for good,He also tell me to cast my cares upon Him,he also tells me that I am loved so I have nothing to fear.

....................

That is what it feels like on the inside. I can't seem to find the words to make sense of what my life has become. I say I am becoming miserable because I seem to desire that which is wrong for me while desiring to not desire it. Too much monotony, every song seems too much of the same thing, the same instruments, the same beats, singing or whining about the same thing. Frustration so deep within that I have lost my appetite, my will to live,surely there has got to be more.  I WANT TO BE MORE THAN OK!!!!! what happened Glo, what happened? I keep asking myself, waiting for Easter holiday, thinking maybe then, I will feel good about life. Aha! isn't that where i got it wrong? the feeling part....I have a friend who keeps saying,in whatever argument "no,it is what I know" life isn't about what you feel, see, think even but what do you know? Let me see, what do I know? John 1;12. I am a child of the most high God and he adores me. Yes he adores me,in whatever state I am in. I have just read a friend's blog where I was mentioned and she said me and another friend get great revelation of word because maybe we pray a lot and read our bibles a lot. False!!! I don't remember the last time I had a proper personal prayer or bible reading session. Now that is the true definition of grace. somehow the circumstances of life and the people around can without meaning to get you to step out of grace and into works. Sometimes you might be rested in grace,seriously chilling and enjoying receiving from God like you ought to and someone in not so many direct words makes you feel you are not doing enough. Of course you can never do enough, that is why I got saved. I recognised, nothing I could ever do would ever be enough. So, why am I letting a few bad days, or weeks, at times months, a fault here and a mistake there get me down. My worth is not in what I do. I am a child of God and guess what, He knows my weaknesses and loves me still. He knows more than any of you will ever know unless of course you become my husband, but He will still know more. He identifies with my weaknesses! like the psalmist says "..such knowledge is too high for me, I cannot contain it.." That is what I know and that's what I am standing on. The strong rock of the word of God even as the Spirit of God who is my tightee by the way, working on becoming bestos, bears witness with me on all these. deep sigh. Thank you father for reminding me.

Perfectly imperfect

 Mirror mirror on the wall, what do you have against me? Just having one of those days I guess. I look at the person staring back at me with artwork on her face and I sigh. I remember when at 11, tiny protrusions started appearing on my face. I didn't like them no doubt and my best friend told me they didn't look bad "..they look cute.." were her words, yeah, not when they are on your face. The media and society is filled with ideas and advice on how to fight these little things that have plagued my face for years. The under lying message being, there is something wrong with your face, with you, this is how to fix it.

Many a time, I have closed my eyes and tried to imagine what I'd look like without my friends. strange things are happening to me, I'm starting to not mind them, to like them even. There is a certain look I have,that they give me. Yesterday I was watching a video of myself. A webcam video and the one thing that stood out the most was my mouth! The size of that gap! Did someone knock out my front teeth. Growing up, that used to be an issue. I never smiled in the pictures because I just couldn't bear it, as if people didn't see it enough when I was talking. Last week I changed the cover photo for my Facebook timeline. I put a beautiful picture of mostly my face,and a wide grin plastered across it. I sigh, I think I love that picture. I love every thing wrong about the girl in that picture. Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most beautifully imperfect of them all?

Time's windows

I recently was looking at an old picture of mine. A passport size photograph actually, taken at the beginning of 2009. I used that ID for over a year and the only thing I noticed about the picture is I looked angry, which I have come to discover is my normal look as long as I am not smiling. This time round, three years later, I saw something different. I was sort of taken aback. I couldn't recognise the girl in the picture. She looked broken and tired. The pain in her eyes is unmistakable and the look on her face...fighting to be strong, not knowing if she still knew how. My mind went on a little trip down memory lane not just to that day but to that time. I put my hand to my chest, rubbed it a bit,as if feeling for the scars on my heart, as if soothing the wounds, my mind had taken my heart with it to its trip. The memories felt so fresh as I looked at that girl. I wondered how I ever made it out alive, out of that pain. I am not that girl anymore but that picture creates knots in my chest. Looking at it is just like looking through a window to that point in time, three years ago.

Life

Hi my name is Gloria and I am a writer. I haven't written as much or as well as I wish I would. I could blame it on the fact that I find myself involved in a lot lately. Sometimes I feel like I am losing myself; losing myself in the tiny details of day to day living. One day I'm up, the next, I'm down like never before.I have about five months left to finish school. You'd think that would be the most exciting moment of my life. I find myself worrying, anxious about the next few months; wondering if I will finish strong. I am constantly second guessing myself, an old habit that I must get rid of. Life is a war but you have to choose your battles wisely and you have to know which side you are fighting on. The strangest things have been happening to me. Both good and bad strange. Opportunities coming my way and Goliath's brothers or cousins showing their ugly heads. I am finding myself fighting battles that I thought I had won a long time ago. I guess, no,I know all this is because I don't spend as much time with the Lord as I ought in as much as I'm always at church. It's just that I feel like I do not know how to pray anymore. Dear Lord,I believe, your Grace is sufficient.

2012 so far

So we are about 13 days,almost two weeks into the year. Not much is happening.Yet! I began my year on a good note. I spent my first week at  a camp facilitating 12-18 year olds. It was fun hard work. Now that I am back, I don't really know what to do with myself. God has been so good to me. Indeed this is the year of the Lord's favour. So I have actually got a chance to work on radio. It is still voluntary and background staff but still....I have got one foot in the door. I am sooooooooooo EXCITED!!!!!! GOD has a way of working in the background that I just don't get. He answers prayers in the most unexpected of ways. Now, all I am working on is the magazine thing, plus TV. I so excited i can't even write.