Thursday, November 15, 2012

He did what?

"Come here," he said as he tapped his chest motioning for her to come in for a hug. She smiled because he was smiling, there was nothing unusual about this. Everyone hugged everyone as they were parting ways.
She went home continuing with smiling faces and pleasntries assuring every one that she was fine; most didn't even notice that her countenance had changed.
"I am fine" she whispered to herself as she walked in the dark, " I have to be fine."
She didnot feel like talking tonight, she just wanted to go to bed so that this day would also come to an end. She just wanted to move on. He had said he would call, so she waited. She anticipated that it would be wierd; "he is goiing to ask me questions I will not want to answer and it will be strange" she thought. Before the thought was even fully formed in her mind, the phone rang and it was him. She picked, filled with a mixture of joy and just a tinge of dread, someone cared enough to do a follow up check but oh how she hated discussing her feelings.
 He started with a joke, making her feel at ease, then things became serious. He wasn't asking questions, he said he would talk and all she had to do was listen then afterwards they would pray together, he would pray for her. Straight from the very first sentence her heart started melting, how did he know what to say. She tried to be strong, fighting back tears, choosing to not be vulnerable before a man, it never ends well.
 He spoke and gave her heart voice, saying all those things she had been feeling but knowing no one would understand, no one would want to hear. The love in his voice nested her heart, drew her out and told her it was ok and never ever stopped pointing her to HIM,
"God loves you," He said over and over again. Finally, she gave in, she let the tears roll down her face, her voice breaking and sniffs could be heard over the phone.

That is when it happened, she heard him cry, saying his heart was breaking because he could feel the depth of her pain as if it was his own. He cried with her and to her that beat anything any one else could say. They have to top that! He prayed for her then encouraged her to pray as well, saying
"I just want you to know that I am here to pray with you and agree with you, to help carry your burden. you are not alone."
Tearful and unafraid, she let it all out to God even as her friend listened and held her hand through the phone, held her heart..
Going to bed after, her entire being was in awe of the man who cried because he felt her pain. That man who hugged her right before they left already seeing the pain she was trying to make little of. No, she was not falling, he had just held her hand and kept her from falling. She was appreciating, the man who shared her tears.

Thursday, November 8, 2012


I get up to stare out the window, being a lover of the dramatic; it's raining. The wind is blowing the drops and thus they are falling in the diagonal. Why are you so downcast my soul, I remember the psalmist's words. Today I am picking a leaf from the many sad love songs and happily ever after movies I have watched; the ones that try to convince us that the things we do not neccessarily like in another maybe the reasons we even love them. I am not so sure about that but here are my things:
 I like the way you look at me when I am talking about myself, when I am telling you the serious staff. You listen and you take it all in. I like the fact that I can tell you just about anything and you will not make me feel wierd after.

I like that you do not pretend, that you say things as you mean them; in reference to that, I like it when you get vulnerable and see that you find it hard to say some things to me.
.I like it when you do things I thought you'd never ever ever do like saying things like
"I was just calling to say hi"

I like it when we are sitting next to each other and our hands find each other, at first timidly then confidently they stay.

I like the way you get me to say things that are hard for me to say drawing me out easily.

I hate the fact that regardless of how many times I try, I have not been able to get away from you.
I hate the fact that this thing seems to be progressing but I still can't qualify it with a name because I do not know what  is going on?
I hate it when you are so sad like right now and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate it when you hide your pain from me yet I can see it in your whole demeaner. I hate it when I think about you too much, when I start to dial your number and hang up.
I hate what my heart does when I hear your name or see you or smell you or...
I hate having to choose to walk away.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Symphony of blase

On the outside, I am seated at my work desk with my back straight, eyes glued to my computer screen, listening to music, working. On the inside, my head is rested upon this same desk, hiding my face from the world agonizing over the conversation I had last night. I am actually fighting hard to keep from using bad words every minute or so.

Why wasn't I given a rewind button upon birth? I want to take it all back; that 20 seconds of stupidity and incosideration. That moment when I said things that were better left unsaid. Now he's mad, really mad at me. He is mad at the world! Maybe this is my cue to leave. To let this be. It seems I care more than I thought I did; but even if I am to walk away, it should not be like this!

I am sorry about yesterday. Please  talk to me, talk to me so that I can say my last goodbye. I let you down and I want to make up for it yet I still don't have answers for you. I don't want to turn my back to you; let me walk backwards. Let me look at your face until distance is the only reason I can't. Please don't look away from me.

Friday, November 2, 2012


Let it go on record that I was part of this! When people ask about that day that changed history, I want to tell them as I saw things happen where I was in the front seat, the stage and the background. I want them to point at me and say
"She was not afraid to be heard"

Let it go down as evidence. For when I am apprehended for shining as the light that I am, I will demand a conviction. With my own hand, I write that on this side of the line, I stand. With my own mouth, I dare to say
"You are on the wrong side!"
I put it in a language many wish was extinct but crave for it in secret; truth. With word I hope to clear scales and permeate hearts. Open your eyes and see; light. Open your ears and hear; sound. Open your hearts and receive; hope.
"Yes, it is a new dawn"