5 and 2

I think of Jesus’ miracles and his disciples and myself. I know the end of the story because I know that Jesus is going to calm that sea with just a whisper and that great group of people following him around will eat to more than their fill. I am quick to take position on that very high horse I must have attained from reading the bible a lot. I know I’m probably the only one who does that, wonder how unserious the disciples could be! I mean, take Peter for example, how do you drown when you are walking on water with Jesus?! As in seriously, what is your deal? So I tend to take most if not all my lessons from what the disciples did wrong and in my head I probably sound like a zealous preacher

“Don’t focus on the storms around you lest you drown, focus on Jesus and you will walk on water! Drowning comes from focusing on the storm! Ignore the storm people! Ignore the storm! Don’t be like Peter!” The message would probably be entitled Peter’s syndrome

But…

Being a lover of music and words, I really listen to songs, as in I can give you a synopsis after the first listen. Yes, synopsis, I like this word :) . Anyway so music, I was listening to a song and basically the persona was Jesus based on what He was saying. It seemed like he had re-done the beatitudes, and maybe made them simpler!( am I the only one who needs some help with those?) He was saying blessed are you as you weep and pour perfume at my feet, blessed are you as you tremble and wait for the first stone thrown at your sinful disgrace, blessed are you leper when all you’ve known is the fear in their eyes and so many other blessed broken things.

But then, he also says, blessed are you as you shake your head to two tiny fish and some bread, blessed are you as you walk on water only to drown when you look away. He calls them blessed, those very ones that doubted him! Why?! I don’t want to be like them, considering the many times I have laughed at Peter’s zeal and uhmm…mishaps.

As the song sunk into the very depths of my heart, yes it did, my high horse seemed to lose its legs. Have you ever asked why on earth a group of grown men with their heads screwed on properly, with 20 20 vision would take 5 loaves and 2 fish to Jesus seeing the multitude,(by the way that means a really big crowd)? Put in their place, I would have more naturally rounded off those tid bits and told Jesus we couldn’t find anything; but not them. Think about it. All of a sudden, this mustard seed faith business seems to be trying to make sense. They may have shook their heads at what they were presenting to God but they presented it anyway and they are called blessed.

I bet this boy asked himself that question.

 Isn’t that all that is required anyway? To present ourselves, imperfect as we are and watch Him be Himself, supernaturally awesome! I think of Peter and how He walked on water; most times I have said that but thought
“That is the story of how Jesus walked on water and Peter drowned and the disciples called Jesus a ghost(yes they did)”

I totally missed it. Peter walked on water. He was blessed as he thought He was seeing a ghost, blessed as he asked to join Jesus, blessed as he walked on water, even when drowning and calling out in fear, he was blessed.

I am blessed even when it seems like I have failed in my super natural attempts and I find myself drowning. I am blessed.

I am blessed when I shake my head at the seeming hopelessness of my situations. I am blessed.

I am blessed when I don’t understand the bible and scratching my head in confusion. I am blessed.

I am blessed because He desires that I am blessed. I am blessed because I am His. I am blessed because…there is no because for the blessing.

Mulungu Samagona...no rent

" I know that sometimes it feels like, the world is a bag of pain but he'll never let a righteous tear fall to the ground in vain"

The opening lines to a song I totally love. This is a recent love; it is actually about 3 days old but the song is beautiful.

Alot has been happening in my life lately. Alot happens in everyone's world everyday. sometimes it is devastating, some times numbing at times leaves you speechless or not knowing how to feel. On every front, home, work, heart...
But I am joyful. Let me backtrack a little. Towards the end of last year, I was having a hard time with my heart. I would sit alone in the dark wondering how to rid my heart of this longing which was more of an ache than anything else. I buried myself in music thinking maybe if I found a song to speak for me then this nothingness, this pain filled emptiness would cease. I thought I could document my progress. it was as if I was on some sort of progress; I would count days since....

"I want to see your heart, I want to heal your heart; please don't keep your heart hidden away"

At the beginning of this year, I felt drained. Can you immagine, coming from a two week holiday break and feeling your least enthusiastic about anything. I was constantly tired and unhappy, at work and in everything. I didnot however want to voice my frustrations because I HATE complaining.
I do not know when this started; my longing for quiet contemplative prayer. I just want to sit and be awed. Everytime I went for bible study, just sitting there and listening to people talk about God so personally and so passionately, I missed that. I felt I was not doing it anymore. I missed the relationship.

My father loves me.
He speaks to me through poetry, music and rain.
I hear his voice through a blog,
and a letter.

I feel like I'm snuggled up against God, honestly! Snuggled, like a child but also like a lover. That closeness that has your heart beating really fast simply breathing Him in. I feel released and uplifted everyday,always. I want to reach out my hands and thus lift others. I am at peace even when the waves of life hit. I am joyful even before I see the change in situations.
I discovered a song which is on replay 'no rent' probably the most beautiful love song I've ever heard in a foreign language! I understand some parts and others not so so.. but I want to keep love in my heart no rent no rent

He says he likes my toes

He says he likes my toes.
everytime he looks at them
he seems shocked,
at how small are
especially when my foot
is wrapped up in his big artist's hand

'You have lovely toes' He says
almost shyly, as if
ashamed of what catches his fancy
I try and hide them
they are dusty, you see
the nails are too long, the polish is chipped
That doesn't change them he says

He says he likes my toes