Eeeeeehhhh…but ok

I went to bed with this feeling and woke up with the same feeling intensified

“Relationships are Hard; not just hard but HAAAAARRRRRRDDDDD!!!!!!”

I am a dreamer, a lucid dreamer at that. If something is on my mind, I will most likely dream about it. That is how I awoke with the feeling intensified.

I am not talking about these superficial just barely touching the surface relationships. I mean real relationships, real call to die relationships. I am talking about all relationships because there really is one love, not many types of love, either way the foundation is the same; the rest are just details, add-ons, bla bla

I have had friends, many friends through the different phases of life but somehow even my friends are like the phases, they end at some point. We do not break up, no, we just stop being close, in a way so awkward I wonder if we were ever close to begin with. I have been wondering, asking myself if I have ever loved. Sure I have thrown the word around, I love ice-cream and chocolate cake, same goes for music; I love those things. I love my family and it hurts sometimes, loving them.

Many people have called me sweet and I have said I do not know what that means. But who am I kidding? Maybe I do and I just do not want to acknowledge it that I might indeed be sweet. Nothing wrong with that except if I start believing I’m all that, I might start desiring and expecting all that. Then my sweetness will have strings attached and my love will no longer be selfless then it will not be love anymore, it will be…something.

I am not just talking about the acts of being kind or giving your friends money when you barely have or taking long journeys to attend their parties hard. That is not hard depending on your personality and in itself is not an identifier of love. I am talking about truth. The truth about where your heart is as regards this relationship and how dead you are in it.

The truth that your words hurt me but I will not say anything about it because that will make the whole situation uncomfortable and I’d much rather let you go around using your tongue to injure others than mess with my comfort.

The truth that I don’t always think the best of you and I have wanted to walk away from this more than once. The truth that sometimes when we talk, I am disappointed. Disappointed because you were supposed to make me feel a certain way and somehow you failed.

The truth that I do not like listening to you because you are in the category of people who should be listening to me. You are talking but I am waiting for you to finish so that I can slot in my knowing “Hmmmm…” and rub your back.

The truth that I am afraid of you, I do not think I am enough for you. Strong enough, kind enough, patient enough…and one day I will snap and everyone will finally see what I have always known, I am not all that.

The truth that I totally hate being shut out because then I get like this thinking and writing things that seem deep but just make me feel all messed up inside; but I’m not even sure I want to be included because what happens when I can’t help you, huh?

The truth that I have the Spirit of God who guides me in all truth and has been calling me to love, to the transformation into His likeness. The truth that this call to forget about myself and not keep score seems like the valley of the shadow of death, really unpleasant and scary. Well because, you want me to love without holding back myself, to not just give of myself physical things but the real me. You want me to let them in when they might shut me out. You want me to care enough that I hurt with them as if I do not have enough pain of my own.

The truth that I might have to live a life of no recognition where no one appreciates me and that is supposed to be ok, I am supposed to give no attention to it. The truth that my life is not my own.

The truth that in a relationship, it is totally not about me, I might as well not exist, think not of me, its all about you.

So, I woke up and prayed about this truth and well…

Eeeeeeh…but ok!

Walking on eggshells

What if walking on eggshells isn’t what it is all painted out to be? Think about it, it is a lose- lose situation, you cannot walk on eggshells without cracking them, it is pointless, futile effort; trying to avoid things that are better dealt with. Some of us live with elephants, present in every conversation and moment, we ignore them. We pretend they are not there even as we jump over their excreta and have to speak over their noise. We all do this sometimes, well because it is easier. It is easier than having to come up with a plan of how to get such a heavy animal out through your small fragile door. It is easier than having to spend energy, put in a little bit maybe even a lot of effort to reclaim our space, what is ours, we much rather would let it be.

Imagine an elephant in the room with eggshells on the floor, literally. It is far from quiet, far from unnoticeable.

What if instead of tiptoeing around, we smash those eggshells and make noise on purpose. What if we refuse the pretend calm of the situation and call it for what it really is, a really messed up floor. Let us pull that elephant’s tail, make it scream until we cannot ignore it anymore because it is suffocating us and this running around it, having to stand on top of tables to see each other, is not necessary, it is tiring.

So, let’s talk. Let’s start these conversations that we are afraid of, that we assume might end something or maybe even begin a couple of things. Let us give things their proper names and speak to them directly. 

I am not just a bit disturbed by your behavior, I am angry, extremely angry because I feel your selfishness to the very core of my being and it makes me sick. Angry because I thought I meant more to you than this and you would be willing to fight for us, not run to save you. Angry because you refuse to acknowledge, recognize, own up to your part in this.

I do not just maybe miss you sometimes. I miss you a lot all the time, more so when you are seated next to me, when I look at your face and do not see myself; when I hold your hand and feel, nothing, no response, just numbness. I want to scream, I want us to talk about it, I want to ask questions. I want you to stop treating me like a fool and giving me nonsense answers. Tell me the truth. Tell me what you are thinking, what you are feeling…

I am afraid, petrified, near paralysis with fear at the thought of yet another day. I am afraid to try and afraid to not try. I am scared to hope yet I do not see how else to live. There are days, there are days the pain feels like it will never end and the despair seems to draw me deeper into its dark dark abyss and I try and reach out but words fail me because in that moment it seems stupid, I know better, I can do this but right before I ran into you, I was considering not waking up tomorrow.

I am not what you want

I see you shaking your head with a pained expression on your face. You want to fight me, I'm pretty sure you have an argument ready, it could even be a solid one. You are intelligent, you will speak, I will listen, I will back down because I feel things and you know things. Logic has always been more easily expressed than feelings anyway. I will reason that maybe we can keep on like this, just for a little while longer. You will reach out and take me into your arms and it will be decided that this is a fight for another day, it doesn't have to be right now, it could always be later.

I hear you speaking of things that we could do together, rejoicing in the person you think I am and I try to find the right words to let you see, you are mistaken,that's not me, I am not her. That girl who lights a fire in your eyes and sets off sparks in your brain. The one who fits into your fantasy, imagination, dream (call it whatever) like a glove, jigsaw finding its place as if created by your own hand.

You may need me, God knows I want you, someone like you to want me. I may even be good for you, loving you in all the ways you need to be loved. Fitting rightly into your side, like the missing rib I could be. I can give you my all, live my life to see that you have all your heart desires. Seeking your joy, your fulfillment, protecting you fiercely like a lioness her cub, putting aside my own fears to reach out and save you from yours. I could hold your hand as you walk the valleys of life ,give you a push on the back as we go up hills and give you my smile for days you cannot find your own, that sweet dimpled smile of yours. I can do all that. I am ready and willing to do all that. 

So, you may need me, and you want me to say because I make you feel good; I love you well but I am not what you want.

The girl of your dreams is different, the one I see in your eyes, that one who brings out the passion in your voice; there are things you want her to be able to do, to be, good things but they are not me. I can not lie to you because if you are to love me, I do not want you to love a lie, I do not think I'll be able to keep it up. I cannot lie to you, you deserve to get what you want. Maybe she'll even love you better than me and you'll have the perfect package. She will give you all that you need and want. Worry yourself not, with time, I will be but a distant memory.

Watching you sleep, I wonder, how much longer I can keep this up, the selfishness, I am keeping you from her. You are smiling...you must be dreaming about her. I will no more bother with goodbyes because I know you will fight me. Right now, you may not see, but with time, you will know, I am not what you want.