It was as if you’d cast a spell on me, and I’d let you. Music
and Movies have always glorified this kind of feeling, painted it as the way
love should be, because if you are not all but consumed It will not last.
It would be easy for me to say I will never love another the
way I loved you, if I had loved you. In hindsight, looking over my shoulder, in
fact making a complete turn and gazing deeply into my past. I know, I see that
it wasn’t love, what I felt was imprisonment, the things I did though might
seem for you were all rooted in selfishness. There were places of no where I
gave a yes because you see I wanted to be indispensable in your life. So I gave
you what you wanted not what you needed knowing very well, what you need will
not come from a person. But hey, at least I could please you then and maybe you’d
let me hang around a bit. It was never my intention to stay, oh no, I had to
leave you at some point because you were not right for me, this would never
work. I used you to appease my boredom and to fill my loneliness which was just
a call to draw closer to my Father because you see, something was not right or
so I thought; yet that voice was calling me, saying to me, you’ve been made right, I make
you right.
From the way things played out, from what is seen on the
surface, it may appear you wronged me. But I do not seek an apology but rather
to apologise. Forgive me, my friend because I took this light that is inside of
me and I hid it. You may fight it, even claim to hate it but I robbed you of an
opportunity to see it through me. Forgive me because I played the part of
advocate, cheering you on in things that we both know have taken from you and
drain you, only to leave you emptier each time around. Forgive me for I did not
seek to listen to you because my mind was filled with myself. For everything
you said, I only heard that which concerned me, I was on a quest to get you to
treasure me or at least something of the sort, and your words instead of being
a reflection of your heart, to me where just ammunition. Forgive me for the
moments I kept silent when I should have fought you and let you know that the
things you do actually affect people, you might have known it, sensed it but
you needed to hear it, you needed to see what it looked like. Forgive me.
I have been learning from the Father, leaning and gleaning
from Him, healing at His feet, in His embrace. Don’t get me wrong, I felt pain
and I cried rivers and rivers of tears and I let each and every one fall in His
palm. I have been listening to Him teach me about this thing that I sought from
you, Love. The pictures He is painting at first seem strange but then there is
something in me that is drawn to His songs. Oh this love that says I will die
for you, it is real. It is not just a one-time act of heroism while high on
adrenaline but an everyday choice to choose the other over myself.
If you’ve gotten anything at all out
of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being
in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you
care— then do me a favor: Agree
with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way
to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and
help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage.
Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand (Philippians 2:1-4 The
Message)
Love keeps no record of wrong but Love keeps no record of
right either;
because doing right is not a competition or a sport to gain points that will be
redeemable, pick an item of your choice because you have gained 100 points, no.
It is not a race about who gets your heart first or who loves you best assuming
that we even have parameters of measurement. It is not about who speaks the
loudest or can keep quiet the longest, who breaks first or who is the fool;
ultimately that to love is not for me, but the other person, to give unto them
love in its true sense, listening to what the father tells me to do and I do
it; regardless of the climate of the relationship.
It can get exhausting sometimes and amidst many sighs, you
may want to scream out loud
“This love is taking its toll on me!”
But child of Love, love is your true nature and just like so
many things that are of you or that are yours, you have to learn to receive
them from a place of rest. You learn of your authority and how to stand in it,
you learn to believe and hope against hope, you learn to forgive and not return
harshness for harshness but all this works because you know of Love, you are
loved. Love calls us to a place of rest, stop striving to get what has already
been given you. Rest in love and let love flow through you. You see, the
father, God, almighty dwells within you, He is love. Love is not just something
you do or feel, it is something you be, you are, beloved.
So, He has been teaching me to rest, He does all the heavy
lifting, He is loving through me, opening my eyes, stretching forth my arms, guiding
my footsteps and putting the words in my mouth that are of Love. Rebuking
falsehood and lies, proclaiming and calling forth truth, lifting and holding
where there is weakness and listening, protecting; Covering and revealing. He
is showing me a new face of love, the true face of love; He is introducing me
to the person of Love. Love that enslaves not but liberates always. Love that
never fails.
