I find that I am afraid to say I love Jesus...

I find that I am afraid to say I love Jesus or Papa or the holy Spirit.

It has not always been like this, I used to write poems and songs and stories about this sweet child like relationship I had with my father. As I grew older, my style of writing changed; feeling close to my father, snuggled up close to him like a lover, sharing secret conversations, as if pillow talk; actually pillow talk.

 

I want to kiss you on the neck, my Love;

more intimately than when I kiss you on the cheek

but without the usual-ness of a kiss on the lips.

I want to know you more; this kiss seems to suggest,

to whisper to you secrets about me. Intimacy

I want to breathe you in and hold it.

I’m making memories.

I’m etching your scent into the core of my very being. Spirit

My arms around your neck, yours around my waist…
I am my Beloved’s and He is mine. Ownership
I am intoxicated with Love,

not a single thought of my own do I still hold, we are one.

You are mindful of me and my mind is full of you.

My mind is you. Surrender

Your eyes my horizon, my mirror,

I behold to see who I am.

You are my definition!

My every move is chartered by your Word;

promises to whom impossibility is impossible;

repentance is unknown. Vows

You smile and beauty engulfs me.

I want to kiss you on the neck, my love.

But of late, I find that I am hesitant to say this. It is not that I am ashamed of Him, or that I do not want to identify with him anymore, no. Numerous jokes have been told about how when a relationship is falling apart, your sweet other might stop verbalising their love for you, in public or otherwise. It is just that, the more, I learn or get revelation of how much He loves me and the beautiful magnificent ways He does it, the more inadequate words become. I find that I can’t find them, they elude me, they deny me, they refuse to take part because they recognise there is no way in a million galaxies that they could ever do Him justice

I am aware that I will fail Him and on some days, I find other things attract me away, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that will never happen with Him. He says He will never leave nor forsake me and he means it. Never means never. He says nothing can separate me from His love and He is one with His love so nothing can separate me from Him and He means it.

I find that I can not boast in my love for God nor my loyalty to His service, nor my faithfulness nor my knowledge of Him but of His for me.I find that I am hesitant to make promises to Him, for I know lest He keeps them, I am most likely to fail. 

I find that the only one I can be sure of in this relationship is Him.